By Ahmad Shami


Beards: man’s personal face carpet. Now, don’t get me wrong, I like big beards and I cannot lie, but there’s a lot that comes with having a beard that people might not expect. Here are 4 things that people with beards have probably had to deal with:


1) The journey to beardhood is a long one.

You don’t get to wake up one morning and say, “Here’s my beard world!” If you want that chin curtain, you have to endure the patchy mess of hair on your face for weeks until it grows out. And there’s nothing to make it grow faster. Believe me, I’ve tried it all. From watering to encouraging to begging to bribing, nothing is going to make that sucker come out faster than it wants to. Some people can’t even get past the patchy stage and are stuck looking like a botched wax job for their entire lives. A moment of silence for those brothers.


2) Maintaining your Crumb Catcher is a pain.

Heed these words: trimming is important. It can make the difference between looking like your neighbors unshorn hedges and Chuck Norris. A good tip is to match the trim of your beard to your face shape. Also, remember to wash it regularly, because who knows what is in there. I once had a spider crawl out. True story. For those that like to go above and beyond, go out and get a nice beard oil. It not only conditions your hair, but it leaves it smelling manly as well.


3) With great beard power, comes great responsibility... as well as associations.

These can range from people assuming you are a lumberjack to people assuming you are a homeless person. In extreme situations, some people might associate you with terrorism, or even worse, being a hipster. But learning to brush off the haters builds character. If that doesn't work, you can give them a solid one-two with your beard.


4) Your Chin Chiller will undoubtedly attract hordes of people.

Whether it be all the ladies trying to stroke your Nair Bear, or all the dudes begging you to tell them how you managed to pull it off, the spotlight will definitely be on you. Those of us with a few years beardsperience already under our belts know to keep a newspaper handy to swat away all the adoring fans.


Bristle sprouts save us from so many of life’s problems. They keep us safe from winter’s cold embrace. They save us countless times by allowing us not to shave. They catch the food that we are unable to get into our mouths. For some of us, they even get people to stop asking whether or not we want to order off the kid’s menu. The benefits are limitless, so if you don’t already have one, start growing.


Note: This is a work of humor; the status of your beard does not determine your masculinity.